To be left behind
by Beael
Summary: Susan Pevensie looks back on why she was left behind and the consequences of forgetting who you are. A study of Susan set straight after The Last Battle.


This story was made of the poem one of my very best friends had put on her website and a picture on the same site. I suggest you check it out; despite the fact that almost everything written is on Swedish the pictures are truly beautiful and a great way to get inspiration. (.se). The girl with the purple hat's me.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Narnia, neither do I own the poems. A small part is copied from the wonderful book _The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe_, so anything you recognize isn't mine.

Enjoy!

* * *

_I saw you yesterday, didn't know things could change in such a short time_

_You smiled_

_But what I saw was the past forever etched in your thoughts_

_I wanted to tell you how much I miss you_

_But all I did was to give a stern smile back_

It's not easy to be left behind. The young beautiful woman with the long black hair had tears in her eyes, because she had been left behind not only by one but by all she really cared about. Thinking back on yesterday's events she regretted it so badly that she wanted to scream. All she did was to stand there, tears in her eyes, and look at the crushed bodies of the ones who had left her behind.

"_Su, are you coming? We're going to the professor, you see, we think us saw-" _

_Her younger sisters smile was big and shining brightly back at her, but Susan just snorted, ignoring the part of herself that wanted to return the smile._

"_Lucy, it's time that you start act like a lady, you're too old for those children stories." She says, making a point of looking as adult as possible._

_The bright smile disappeared at once, leaving only a sad look of concern and worry._

"_Don't you remember, Su? It wasn't a story, can't you remember it at _all_?" said Lucy a tear in her eye. "You used to be Queen Susan of the Horn, Queen Susan the Gentle. Who are you now?"_

_For a brief moment Susan did remember it, all the years of happiness and a feeling of being home, but she shrugged it away, the memories too painful to bear knowing that she would never be able to get back._

"_I wouldn't have time to come anyway", she says, a desperate try to make it all better, make the feeling of pure mistake go away, "I'm going to a party. But you have fun; don't let me ruin your afternoon. Just try to act you age, Lu!"_

Why did she refuse to come? The train had crashed, leaving her behind when her siblings and parents, cousin and old mentor all died. How was it fair? She hadn't really done anything other than trying to forget the home she had once had that was taken away from her.

_To leave Narnia was harder than Susan had ever imagined. Narnia was home in every way, it was the one place where she had found herself and love and now she would never come back. Her brother was as sad as she was, she could see it in his eyes and she remembered too well how hurt he had been the last time they came back to England from living as Kings and Queens, but he tried to readjust to their new world in a way she couldn't do. How could she talk about when she knew she'd never see it again?_

_Her younger siblings were allowed back once more, but they weren't as hurt either when they were told they couldn't go back. They simply decided that despite never being allowed coming back they'd find Aslan in Spare 'Oom. How could they do that in this grey and dull world?_

_To prevent herself from seeing the painful memories displayed before her eyes time after time Susan decided that she, in contrast to her siblings, would not try to remember but to __forget. __When they talked for hours about Narnia Susan searched for comfort in the one thing that was almost as in Narnia; parties._

_In Narnia her parties and balls had been well-known as the best parties there were and she always enjoyed getting a new dress and organizing everything, deciding which music to play and what food that would be provided. In England the parties weren't nearly as good as in Narnia, but in a way they made her still feel like Queen Susan the Gentle._

Her oldest brother, his body Kingly once again, made so by death, lay still in a white bed. Oh, how she longed to see his smile, to hear his voice, even when quivering with anger as had been the case the last times they had spoken. It was so unfair that the High King of Narnia would die of something as _ordinary _as a train crash.

_Three of the four monarchs of Narnia were sitting around a bed in a room full of darkness. The person in the bed was pale in an almost greyish way and the people around him were as pale, but perhaps not as grey. Tears were in their eyes, even the young mans, but none seemed to care._

_A cough and the three pair of eyes were turned to the bed. The man in it had woken up and was beginning to sit up, but the older of the two young women forced him down again._

"_Save your energy", she said and though the words were reprimanding her voice exposed her happiness._

"_Was it bad?" King Peter asked, seeing the tears in his siblings' eyes._

"_If you'd died of something as ordinary as a cold I'd have _killed _you, Pete!" The other man answered, with a happy smile on his face._

_They all laughed and talked until long after sunset._

Her next brother had, they'd told her, been lying above Peter, as if he, even in death, was protecting the other. She smiled, despite her sadness, because it was so typical for the Just King. While carefully moving one of the raven wisps she thought back on how he, even as a young boy, had risked his own life plenty of times in order to save others.

_Susan hadn't been so scared before in her life. The battle may have ended and the witch may be dead, but so was many of the Narnians and she couldn't see her youngest brother anywhere._

"_It was all Edmunds doing, Aslan", Peter was saying. "We'd have been beaten if it hadn't been for him. The Witch was turning our troops into stone right and left. But nothing would stop him. He fought his way through three ogres to where she was just turning one of your leopards into a statue. And when he reached her he had sense to bring his sword smashing down on her wand instead of trying to go for her directly and simply getting made a statue himself for his pains. That was the mistake all the rest were making. Once her wand was broken we began to have some chance - if we hadn't lost so many already. He was terribly wounded. We must go and see him."_

_They found Edmund in charge of Mrs Beaver a little way back from the fighting line. He was covered with blood, his mouth was open, and his face a nasty green colour._

_When Lucy left soon after giving Edmund a drop of the fire flower extract Susan took Edmund's hand and kissed his forehead in the same caring way a mother would. When he, finally, opened his eyes she saw that he had changed, he did not longer seem so young and angry but had the face of a knight, a king and a warrior. Secretly Susan wondered if this change was the cause of the cordial or of facing death and surviving._

_Years later, the Just King would tell his Gentle Sister that he hadn't done what he did that day to save Narnia; but to save his brother, whom had been the next target for the witch's terrible curse._

"_Oh, Ed", she had said, "I knew that all along. I could see it in the way you were watching Peter."_

The last of her siblings was her younger sister, the girl that no longer was a girl but a beautiful woman. A single smile from Lucy could cause men to fall from her instantly, yet the young woman was amazingly unaware of her own appearance. Susan knew this, since Lucy despite knowing had had more admirers than Susan herself.

_The ball had been perfect, everything Susan could have hoped for and more. When she left Lucy and some of the Fauns were dancing a complicated dance that included a lot of hoofs, something that Lucy lacked but didn't seem to miss a bit when she was dancing so freely over the dance floor the she could have been flying._

"_You have a very beautiful sister", said the man that was standing beside Susan on the shore said, a shy smile on his face, "But your brother the High Kind doesn't enjoy the looks some of the men in there are giving her."_

_Susan laughed a gentle, tinkling laugh. "No, he doesn't. I think my royal brother would prefer if she could stay a little girl forever, but Lucy has become a real beauty the last few years." She put on a teasing smile. "Do you think she's the most beautiful queen?"_

_The man smiled cheekily back. "I don't know… Now that I think of it I think I remember a queen with a smile so bright and gentle that the stars would laugh at the sight and the moon would cry."_

_He leaned forward and kissed her and they stayed on the beach until the sunrise, but Susan privately disagreed with the man; though she held a more classic beauty she could never compare with her sister sparkling eyes and stunning smile._

They were all dead, had left this world for a more gorgeous one and Susan longed to be with them. She didn't understand why she hadn't come with Lucy that morning to visit the professor, but deep down she knew the truth. She had chosen to forget who she was, making her siblings believe she had, and once she had she had lost not only her home but everything and everyone she loved.

_If you are not willing to see more than what is visible_

_You won't see anything at all_


End file.
